Aspirin

I'm twenty-six, turning twenty-seven this year. I have gone through my struggles, with myself and with the world. I have tried to be the best person I can possibly be, but it has not been enough. Last night I attended a wedding, I saw familiar faces and remembered familiar smiles and heartaches. Life goes on, I realized. It goes on whether you're in for the ride or not. And it will keep on going long after you've given up the fight. Or after you've passed on. Last night I spent time with two of my closest friends. We talked about the past, reflected on the present, and brought up visions of possible futures. It was a time to think, and rethink. About my life, my person, my future. And since I have tried and worked for a future, I might as well keep on doing it. And by deciding to do more, I have to face the big question and try to find the answer. Even if it hurts and stings deep inside.

Why have I not become the better person I envisioned myself to be?

Why am I not who I have wanted to be in spite of everything I've done? Right now I do not possess the knowledge to produce feasible solutions. And why? (This is gonna hurt) I haven't tried with all I have. All I've done is dip my toes and run away from the shiver of the cold pool. I haven't tried and done with my blood, sweat, and tears. And what hurts even more is that I feel like I haven't done anything. Some people may say that I shouldn't be too hard on myself, some say I should try harder. But then I shouldn't be listening too much to other people. I should be listening to what I feel, and know. And that is that I haven't done much work.

I want to change.

And so, hopefully, this marks the beginning of changing times. The beginning of new challenges, new hardships, new failures, and new victories. I want to be so better that I feel like exploding. I want more. From life, and especially, from myself.

I need to change.

I need to understand responsibility, and undertake responsibility. As I write this, I feel daunted by the tasks that lie ahead. I feel nervous, scared. But I have to persevere, to move on and go to war. War with the demons I thought I slayed. War with the emotions I have bottled up inside. War with myself.

I have to change.

The next step after this entry will be the first in the multitude that I will have to walk. The next step is getting started. That being to will myself to grip, with my unsoiled hands, life by the horns that it so loves to impale me with. So wish me luck and push me off my diving board of security.