In reality, I have so many things to write about. But I cannot seem to do so. Hello blog, matagal-tagal narin tayong di nagkita. Andami nang bagay na nangyari sa mundo, sa akin at sa ibang tao. Where did that spark go? Where did all the passion drain into, and since when have I stopped growing?
Yes, to whoever is reading this, this is an emo post.
There's a general feeling of emptiness and yet I know deep down inside I am still ticking. I just can't reach it. Have I grown discontent? Am I that disconnected with myself? I hope I have not turned into someone who lives(?) to conform to what others think I should be. Right now the clock is ticking and I have deadlines to meet and projects to work on. I am stuck in the humdrum of the mundane. Repetitively and redundantly.
I wish to live. To feel with abandon. To feel alive and free. To know what it truly is to just be.
I know this is a bad time for this. Actually it's the worst time for it. But I need to pass through this, to see the present through. I have grown afraid. Afraid of tomorrow, and of the possibilities that it may bring. Afraid of responsibility. Afraid of hope. And yet simultaneously, there is anger brewing. I know because it rears it's head randomly and spews flames into my face. I do my best to keep it under control but I know I need to find the roots fast. Sort this all out and get on with my life in the manner that it should be lived.
If I am dying then I must die now. But only to live again and be alive, no other time is more crucial than now. The clock is ticking and the world is turning, and yet I am still the sorry bastard I was years ago. Maybe a little better than what I was but still in the same league. Maraming beses ko nang sinabi na ayokong mapagiwanan pero mabigat ang kutob ko na matagal nang nangyari yun.
Let me fall into a dark embrace if only that when I awake everything will be okay. Everything will be as it should be. All better, shiny, and happy. All without this cowardice. All that I used to hope it could be.
Labels: cowardice and hopelessness
posted by Karl @ 8:48 PM
1 Comments
